Contentment

I've always had a love/hate relationship with my birthday. I love planning a party, thinking about all the little things I plan to do and getting all the little details ironed out. Unfortunately I usually actually spend my birthday pretty unhappy because either things didn't go as planned or even if they did, they didn't make me as happy as I'd predicted. My disappointment in my birthday led me to not planning anything last year, thinking it'd make it easier. Guess what? I still spent the day grumbling and being a grump despite numerous texts and calls and facebook messages wishing me well and saying Happy Birthday.

But really, I'm also this way in life. I build up these expectations for my life: I have all the details in my head and a timeline of when all of these things are supposed to happen planned perfectly! And somehow I'm 19 and not sure where the time is gone and why haven't I accomplished anything yet. Why am I not the put-together, successful, living the dream grown-up I'd thought I'd be by now?

Now, from the outside, much like my birthday parties, I realize my life is pretty spectacular. I'm living on my own, working for an incredible company, making efforts to pursue my passion and I only live an hour from the beach. Not too shabby for a horrifically shy homeschooled kid from New Mexico.
So why am I never content with where I am? Why is there always this aching feeling that my plans aren't coming to pass and so everything is ruined? Because I want things done on MY timeline, in MY way and everything to be PERFECT and filled with chocolate!
I ask God sometimes, should I just forget it? Should I not try since I always seem to be disappointed in the way things turn out? Why can't You just give me the things I want when I want them? Oh, and could you PLEASE make chocolate more readily available?
But that's not the way He works, and He continually reminds me of this.

"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the Lord. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:8-9

"For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

Ok. So, He's got plans that are better than mine. I get that. But in the moment, they don't always look better. Sometimes my plans seem like the easier way, the more exciting way, and from my tiny perspective that's what I want. So how do I keep from getting disappointed? How do I shift my gaze from the disappointment of the here and now to a higher view? Well, what does God say to do in EVERYTHING?

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. - 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!
His faithful love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God of gods.
His faithful love endures forever.
Gives thanks to the Lord of lords.
His faithful love endures forever. - Psalm 136:1-3

Being thankful is a HUGE theme. I mean you could list a ton of verses that mention thankfulness, it's ridiculous. And why is it such a huge deal? Because most of the time we treat our lives like I treat my birthday: too busy wondering why I don't have the perfect day that I don't see the outpouring of love I'm being given.

So give thanks. His faithful love endures forever. And that is a way bigger deal than getting a birthday cake.
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Transparency

I've been part of some pretty amazing churches. I grew up with church being my main social group, and I had no complaints. The heart of God was truly showed to me through those groups, and I felt accepted and never judged.

But then again, why should I be judged? To most I seemed the classic "Christian" girl. I graduated early, respected the adults around me, didn't cuss, was kind to those around me. No different than others. Oh and sure, I had struggles. Going too far with guys, hanging around with the wrong crowd occasionally, not sharing my faith when I should - all things typical teenagers tend to struggle with. I was pretty open with a lot of my church family about those "bad habits" I had, and had a great support team. People saw me as genuine, just trying to get closer to Jesus. Which I was, for the most part.

What no one knew was that I had other struggles. Things I thought no one would understand. So this darkness in my life I kept to myself, and in secret it grew and festered and became a huge demon I hid. I didn't consider these things "sinful" so I didn't understand why I should deal with them. I had a pride that kept me from admitting my issues to anyone, and I mean ANYONE. I was afraid of being perceived as weak, weird or even crazy.

Anxiety. Depression. Those were the words I never said to myself, let alone anyone else. I would say I trusted God with my life, that I found my joy in Him when my skin was raw from my scratching at it and I rarely ate. I asked for prayer for my upcoming test when I truly just needed someone to pray for peace. This all came to a head when my demon started showing itself to those around me. When I started calling into work with a "headache" because I couldn't face my co-workers. When spending time on a mission trip with the youth group sounded as terrifying as going to war. When I couldn't find my towel because my sister had borrowed it and I screamed at her. When my best friend noticed cuts on my wrist and said I had to tell my parents, or she would. 

Telling my Mom was the hardest conversation I've ever had. Suddenly I was bare, completely. More transparent than I'd ever been, just waiting for the condemnation and sure she'd think I was nuts. Then my wonderful mother, filled with Jesus, said "I could tell you were drowning in something, I was just waiting for you to come to me about it. Let's get this figured out.". Suddenly what looked like a huge lurking demon waiting to devour me in the darkness was something tangible, just another struggle to be dealt with. But it wasn't until it was in the light that could I see that.

I think we all have struggles we're afraid to admit. There's always that one thing we barely show to ourselves, pretend God doesn't know about and hide from everyone else. We act like we don't have the best support system anyone could ever have. Because whatever we're going through, the body of Christ is designed to provide us with everything we need.

Truly though, the most important part of being transparent is this: Jesus can't be visible through a fake front we put on. The more transparent we are, the more people will be able to see Him. If we have struggles, we should put them out there for everyone to watch as He makes a beautiful painting from our ashes!

Fairy Tales...

I work for Disney. Along with the thousands that pay a ton of money every day to come into Walt Disney World, I have always loved the Disney movies and the "happy" feeling that goes with them.  But why have they always made such an impact on people? Why does a fake world full of animals that talk and princesses appeal to us so much? It's because there is ALWAYS a happy ending. Scar may kill Mufasa, but Simba comes to rescue his pride and all live happily ever after. Aurora touches a spindle and falls into an eternal sleep, but Prince Philip defeats Maleficent, his kiss awakes the princess and they live happily ever after. Ariel even disobeys her father and falls into the trap of Ursula, but Prince Eric runs a ship into the sea witch and King Triton even gives Ariel the legs she wanted so badly! Are you seeing a pattern here? Every time all seems lost, at the most scary moments of the story there is, without fail, a "but".

Most of the time I feel like I live in the scary part of the movie. The part where all seems lost. If something bad isn't happening, I'm worrying about what MIGHT happen. I watch the news and sink into a hole of despair, wondering when the "but" in my story is coming. When do I get my happily ever after? There are all of these points that I've looked forward to in my life - when I could drive, when I went to college, when I found the right guy - that I've been SURE would be my "but" moment. But time and time again I've been disappointed and continued to live in fear of the next tragedy that might befall me or those around me.

Then one day I read a certain part of Ephesians.

"All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to God's anger, just like everyone else. But God is so rich in mercy, and He loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, He gave us life when He raised Christ from the dead." - Ephesians 2:3-4

Did you catch that? That's a pretty big "but" moment. If you read verse 3 it really does sound like that bad moment of the story, but much scarier than any Disney movies. We were subject to God's anger. Not some mythical monster, not even the evil in the world around us. This would be as if King Triton was so angry at Ariel for going up to the surface that HE became the villain because of what she had done. Now I don't know about you, but I think that version of the story is infinitely more frightening than the one with Ursula. Our Father, the One who made us and knows us best of all, and we were the subject of His anger? Not a good situation.

But God.

There comes the moment we've been waiting for, right? We were dead because of our sins, But God. That's the biggest "but" moment we could ask for. So now He's taken care of the BIG tragedy, but the selfish, fearful part of me asks "What about the rest? What about my small, petty problems?" And then I realize, if God has taken care of the biggest climax of my Disney movie life, why couldn't He take care of every side story line?

I'm lonely, but God.

I'm scared, but God.

I'm hurting, but GOD.

Do you catch my drift? He's already written our happily ever after, we're LIVING it. Our "but" moment isn't just one moment, we get continuous reminders every day that we are saved and no matter what struggles might come our way, He is there to either rescue us or give us strength to endure.

So don't EVER tell me I'm not a princess, I'm a daughter of the King of Kings and He writes my fairy tale into a beautiful tapestry of struggles and successes. No offense Disney, but you've got nothing on His story.

Every time I type "but moment" I giggle a little bit. I'm pretty sure I really do belong at Disney, I'm definitely still a child.

A New Journey

I've always been afraid of deep water. The thought of suffocating underneath the surface, the feeling  of sinking has never failed to send me into a panic. But the one  time I remember feeling safe in deep water was in my Daddy's arms. Dad was always the one person I knew would never fail me; the deep trust I had in my father was enough to sooth any and all fear. Someday I hope to live my life in the same way: full of trust in my Heavenly Father, completely willing to jump into the deep end of the pool knowing that He will never let me drown.